I used to be a control freak. I do not want other people interfering with my life. Looking back, this was probably because I grew up with no freedom at all. During my childhood days, I was only allowed to play outside for a few minutes. Until high school, my parents accompanied me even during Saturday practices or if we had to finish a group project.
In college, I had a taste of freedom and I abused it. I felt that the only person who will care for me and protect my interest is myself. If I felt right about doing something, I just went ahead to do it even if other people says it would hurt me or compromise my safety.
That was also why I became an activist. I lost faith in God, I lost faith in the society, in the government, and I lost faith in people who say that they are concerned about my well-being. I became an activist because I believed that I, together with other people who believe and fight for the same cause, have the power to break the chains of oppression. I believed that if I did not do something to change the status quo, no one else would. I remember a line from one of our anthems: "Wala tayong maaasahang Bathala o manunubos." For a moment, I truly believed that statement. I did not debate God's existence. But I stopped believing about His relevance in my life. I just thought about Him as an omnipotent entity that exists outside time and space that has no connection with how I live my life or what I would like to do with it.
When I got married, I had the same attitude. I made all the major decisions, especially when it comes to where we will live or how we will spend our money. I had total disregard about what my husband thought or how he could have decided during those moments. That took a toll on our marriage and we went through rough moments in our relationship and we almost lost each other.
During Last Sunday's worship service, I realized how God controlled my life, even when I did not want Him to. Even during the darkest days of my life, even when I did not want His presence, He was always there for me. I realized that my stubbornness led to some difficult stages in my life. After all, God can forgive us, but we have to face the consequences of our disobedience. I also realized that what I know about myself and about my life is nothing compared to what God knows about me and what His plans are for me.
I do not know what's ahead of me. But I do not want to be a control freak anymore. I want to surrender my life to the One who knows everything. I want to surrender my life to God because He cannot change for the better because He is perfect, and He cannot change for the worse because He is holy. He is sovereign and no one can force Him to do anything. Most of all, He already gave me the best testament of His love for me when He allowed His Only Son Jesus to save me from eternal death when He died on the cross for my sins.
God knows best and I will let Him be in control of whatever happens from now on.
For those who would like to watch the video of last Sunday's worship service at CCF, please click on the link below:
Trust God: He Knows Best - Joby Soriano
